Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

So our Thanksgiving yesterday did not go quite as planned, but the food was delicious. Kaylee has been sick all week and seems to be getting worse instead of better. Luckily, the doctor's office is open today. On the flip side, Greg and I are cooking our first full Thanksgiving dinner for his mom, her boyfriend, and possibly his brother and his girlfriend. Greg has been so excited about cooking the turkey. He has been doing his homework and found a delicious recipe from Food Network. From the smell of the brine last night, it is going to be one superb turkey. I am excited about cooking also. Even though I don't get much practice (Greg is the cook in our house), I really enjoy cooking.

On a personal note, I came to the realization that my medicine has transformed me into an emotionless zombie that doesn't have a care in the world. For some people, that is the ultimate goal, but not for a compassionate caring person like myself. Against doctor recommendations, I have decided to go off my medicine and start getting back to the Tiffany that everyone knows and loves. I had my complete meltdown and now it's time to get back on my feet. Yes, my job and daughter can be very stressful, but I would rather tackle my daily problems head on instead of simply going through the motions without the realization of doing them. Yes, my anxiety is still going to be present, but I'm ready to find other alternatives. I'm too strong of a person to give up that easily. Anyhow, I've had more anxiety while on the medicine than without and I'm tired of living a life of fear. Lookout world because Tiffany is coming!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Soul Searching

For the past two months, I have been a completely different person that's been having a rough time. Grant it, my problems are miniscule compared to others, but to me they seemed completely overwhelming. Throughout my entire life, I have experienced panic/anxiety attacks due to being clostrophobic, driving on the interstate, a fear of death, and just a fear of being alone. After the passing of my grandfather, my anxiety attacks decided to rear it's ugly face again. They began slowly (usually when rocking Kaylee to sleep) and progressed to where it started taking over my life. I was scared to go to sleep, drive down the road, be at home alone because I was afraid I was going to die. Now, you might think that is silly for me to worry about, but for me it has been a reality. It got so bad that my blood pressure became a concern and I wound up in the hospital a few weeks ago. Now, I am taking anxiety medicine everyday to help keep my mind at bay. At first, it caused me to hit rock bottom because I was scared to death to take the medicine and worried that something bad was going to happen. Now, I have been taking the medicine for a week and a half, going to counseling, and finally am starting to feel like me again with the exception of going to bed incredibly early. However, I still have the worry in the back of my mind. Why is that? What can I do to help myself come to peace? One suggestion by my counselor is to start writing about my feelings to relieve my worries which is what I am starting now. If you have any other suggestions, let me know.